Published December 11, 2009
Something small.
Her Heart Was A Shield Of Armor.
She Knew She Had A Big Heart.
But Was Afraid To Let That Shield Be Broken.
By The Thing That Makes Her Most Weak; True Love.
Days, Weeks, Months Would Just Get Stronger And Stronger.
Finally They Opened Their Eyes To Each Other.
Everything Was So Clear, So Perfect.. Like Nothing That Was Ever Experienced Before.
They Offered Their Hearts And Made a Promise; “Always & Forever.”
He Broke That Shield Of Armor And Showed Her The World; His World.
As If A Spell Had Just Been Lifted.
She Found That She Was Not To Be Afraid Of What Is Real.
But What Isn’t Real.
For Years She Was Looking For Her Key.
The Day She Found It, She Had Never Been So Amazed With What She Had Discovered.
Her Other Half; Her Own Protection; Her True Lover..
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,379 Literary Works • 674,383 Reviews
Hey there,
To describe love and hearts in the same ways that they've been done for the past handful of years easily becomes tedious to read over and over again. Take a moment, and go over this, dear; describe love and hearts and their fragility and connections in a more original way. See, it's too common to find a love poem, and I'm pretty sure that if we look hard enough, we can find another poem that parallels this closely. Differ your messages! Approach this in a new way, perhaps by using more concrete metaphors, more substantial messages-- give us something to read and enjoy and say, "Wow. I really enjoyed that piece there."
With that aside, don't capitalize every word. It's pretty annoying, because I took this in as a poem, and a capital letter indicates a rise in the amount of emphasis applied, dearie, so it was kind of like --^_^_^_^_^_^ in pattern, and I think that could be improved.
Also! Is this a poem or a story? I feel that it rightfully belongs in other poetry, but I'll let you make the call; send me a PM letting me know if it should go in poetry, otherwise disregard me mentioning this.
Best of luck writing! Thank you for the read,
June
Hey, Kat.
It seems like most of the errors have been addressed. I would just stress the importance that you Not Capitalize The Beginning of Every Word, because it is unneeded and like Poison said, kind of hard on the eyes. Also watch out for the colon/semi-colon thing.
I would suggest that you move this to the Dramatic or Lyrical Poetry forum, because it is in poem format. You should repost it there and you will probably get better feedback from the others there.
~Sunny
I would first like to comment on this. To clarify, this is grammatically correct. A semi-colon is used to connect/separate. I know that doesn't really make sense, but what it does is connects two separate thoughts that are relate somehow.
For example: Without the semi-colon we have "He danced but she sat." When you add a semi-colon it becomes "He danced; she sat." See? It's related, but it's still separate.
Colons are used as formal introductions. For example: "We had a great meal: salad, steak, fries....". Did I clear up this?
Okay, now on to the actual crit....
I Don't Know If This Is Supposed To Be In All Capitols But It's Hard On The Eyes. Please, Only Use Capitols At The Beginning Of A Sentence And On Proper Nouns.
This seems very poetic. Is it supposed to be in the romantic fiction forum? Then again, I'm not very poetic so I may be wrong.
Love, Juliet seems to have covered most of the grammar stuff, so I have nothing more to say. Good job. I liked it.
I don't have anything truly substantial to add to this, most of the grammatical errors have been pointed out, however I do have to question the capital letter at the beginning of each word. If anything it is distracting to the piece, and makes it a little harder to follow. I am wondering of there is a purpose behind it, and if there is feel free to point it out, but at least in my case it made reading it harder, because I was so focused on the capital letters that felt unnecessary.
Ello Kat
Okay, grammar first. It seems like you're a little addicted to semicolons but don't know how to use them properly. My guess is that you're mixing them up with plain ol' colons(:). So here,
and here, you should definitely change those to colons.
Now here, it may be grammatically correct (I'm not entirely sure), but, to me, it doesn't really look right to have a semicolon there. A comma might work better.
Lastly, One of those semicolons should be a comma and the other should be a colon. I think that this is the best way to write it: Her other half: her own protection, her true lover.
One small thing that I found slightly annoying was the way you capitalized the first letter of every word as opposed to the first letter of every line. That might be something you should consider taking a few minutes to fix.
Overall, I really enjoyed it! I could read love stories for the rest of my life.